Surviving Ourselves

Lately, I’ve been catching myself looking back at old photos and memories that pop on my phone. Moments where I used to cringe or feel embarrassed. But something’s shifting. I’m learning to see those moments differently, with more compassion and kindness for the person I was. This piece is a reflection on that.

Why do we look back at the moments from the past and flinch at them? At least I do or/and I have done in the past. I can’t help it that it comes out from time to time. I try my best.

Different versions of us had to exist in the past, to be here.

The version we look back and wince with the smallest whisper?. Listen. That is the version of you, that decided that they wanted a change and worked hard for it. Change cost time, courage and energy. Your past version gave that. To you.

We all deserve gentle kindness—specially from ourselves.

We do things.

We did things.

In order to survive.

Sure, maybe it is not the best decision now that we look from the privileged place with hindsight. But, the past version did not have that. All she had was, the cards that were given to her. She had to carve her way out. Maybe at times, she chose the most comfortable and laziest thing to do at the time.

But, was it really being lazy?

No, she felt like she had the whole world spinning inside of her. She would not have been able to deal with one more thing. Maybe that would have tipped her over.

Because she did it, you are here now. Sure, maybe it was not the best. If we keep waiting for the best to happen to us, nothing will ever get done. Some of the decisions were made because of desperation that eats at us, knowing that this is the only way out, right now. To escape toxic cycles that pull you towards the current that would have taken you to the end, and bury you under the deep dark waters.

Be kind. We preach about being kind to others all the time. But, are we kind to ourselves? We tell the strangers we have met online that they are safe with us, that they can vent and talk to us.

But, do we ever carve time like that for us?

Do we sit down with ourselves, and decide to make it a bit better for us? Instead of scrolling until that small voice numbs down, do we take a second to figure out why we need to numb it down?

Maybe it is because you need to actively do the work. It is exhausting. It is scary. But, it is for you. There is only one of you. In the whole world. You are important. Not just as a thing, in your to-do list.

When you are alone in a dark room, even your shadow leaves you. All you would have is the flesh that has moved you to places and blood that pumps in your arteries and veins. Only you.

It’s okay to be mad at yourself, to be angry. Because that means you care. Care enough to have these deep emotions that shakes your voice and fill your eyes with tears. Care about you. Take care of you. Do things that make it easier to carry the load on your shoulders.

Take an adventure to the dark deep forest of unresolved traumas that gnaw at you and beg you everyday to take care of them. Do it scared. Take one tiny step forward. It is going to be the first of many. You are going to cry, curse, scream, laugh, be numb and take steps back. Know that, it is okay. Let some of that love you so badly want to give to others, to seep into your own soul.

If you liked my work and want to support me. It would mean the world to me. Thank you!